


12 Steps To Saying I Love You

by MyJediLife



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Canon Divergence - Star Wars Expanded Universe, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, Drug Withdrawal, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining, Recreational Drug Use, Rehabilitation, Rey Needs A Hug, Slow Burn, Smut, SwoloFic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2019-11-06 09:49:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17937512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyJediLife/pseuds/MyJediLife
Summary: He hated this place already. He hated being sober. He hated not being able to see his daughter.But most of all: Ben Solo hated himself.





	1. One Last Lunge Of The Big Time Washed Up Player

**Author's Note:**

> I will be naming every chapter with song titles from my favorite musician and his wonderful band(s)! If you have never heard Justin Courtney Pierre or his bands Motion City Soundtrack & Farewell Continental - you need to leave this page right now and go to YouTube and search for their videos. You won't regret it.
> 
> Chapter 1 - "One Last Lunge Of The Big Time Washed Up Player" by Farewell Continental
> 
> As usual - this is a one stop ride on the Ben Solo Pain Express - bound for.... nowhere? Somewhere? Maybe?
> 
> I guess we'll see.

 

 

**So full of shit**

**I need another hit**

**Tattered and torn**

**Looseleaf paraded storm**

 

**Blinded by the sound of silence**

**Someone save me, someone take me home**

 

**So full of shit**

**I need another hit**

**Callous and cold**

**Murderous aging bones**

 

**Blinded by the sound of silence**

**Cartwheel kings and liquid violence**

**Service to the hands of shallow**

**Marching as I rape and rebel**

**Shift me with the interstate**

**I won't retreat, I won't delay**

**I'm carving out the sick within**

**So I can live, So I can live again**

**“One Last Lunge Of The Big Time Washed Up Player” – Farewell Continental**

 

Ben hadn’t meant to have a breakdown – at least, not tonight.

 

Lynne had been at work, Julia had some school thing to go to, which left him alone with himself.

 

He hated being alone with himself. He was the worst person to be with – inside his head was a pit full of darkness and more failure than he ever wanted to think about.

 

That was him – Ben Solo – Failure Extraordinaire.

 

Father to the most beautiful little treasure that had ever been born. Scholar. Poet. Brother. Son. Friend.

 

Disaster waiting to happen. Scum. Filth. Drug Addict. Thief.

 

Yes – Ben was all of those, and his family made it painfully clear to him every chance they got. Leia had gotten him the job at Best Buy – fixing other fucking people’s problems. Grandpa can’t log onto his tablet. Little Sara cracked the screen on her phone. Daddy searched for porn one too many times and now his laptop has a virus.

 

He fixed everyone else’s problems – but could he fucking fix his own? No. No, he couldn’t.

 

So, Ben had done what he did best – he went to his dealer, bought enough Percs to get himself higher than he ever had been before, washed down his first six pills with a fifth of Jack, and walked across town to where he worked at one in the morning. He wrote a poem along the way in the little notebook he always had on him – some shit about the moon and it mourning the loss of its lover, the sun – and as he neared the building he stopped, looking at the glass doors with a mix of sadness and bitterness as he closed the notebook, depositing it and the pen he always used in the back pocket of his jeans.

 

Puffing out his cheeks as he thought, Ben looked around with dark, red rimmed eyes, finding just what he needed in a large chunk of concrete perched up against one of the light poles in the parking lot. Picking it up, he bounced it in his hand, testing its weight for a moment as he half turned, eyeing the door once more.

 

He hated this fucking store. He hated his fucking job. He hated his fucking life.

 

Failure. Drug Addict. Scum. Unloved. Unwanted.

 

With an anguished roar, Ben hefted the concrete at the door, watching as it crashed through the glass, shattering it into tiny shards all over the inside of the store.

 

And as the alarms starting ringing, Ben sat on the sidewalk in front of the store, smoking a joint and laughing his ass off at the whole situation. At least he managed to finish the joint before the cops got there and arrested him.

 

….

 

The judge that sentenced him had known him his whole life – that’s what happened when your mother was an attorney – you had to schmooze with other lawyers and judges at dinner parties – especially in election years. Ben had always hated it – the fake smiles and laughter, everyone acting as if they had the perfect home and perfect little family.

 

They were all fucking hypocrites.

 

Ben knew for a fact that this judge’s daughter had flunked out of Columbia in her junior year after getting hooked on heroin. Now she lived in a commune in Arizona and went by the name Rainbow Blue. If he had one thing going for him – at least he had gotten a Master’s degree before becoming a degenerate.

 

In the end, the judge gave him four days in jail, which had already been served since Leia refused to bail him out – she had wanted to teach him a lesson or some shit – a year of probation, a $2,500 fine, and a 30 day stint in Hanna City Recovery and Wellness Center.

Great – rehab. He would have rather gone to jail for the whole month as opposed to going to some shitty rehab, with their twelve-steps and group therapy sessions, but in the end, Ben didn’t really have a choice.

 

His mother had something to hold over his head, of course. Macee.

 

If he didn’t get cleaned up, she would take permanent custody of his daughter, and then Ben would truly be alone.

 

….

 

Hanna City Recovery and Wellness Center was a shithole dressed up in a tux, so that it looked presentable at an important function. Of course, his mother would make sure he was sent here – it would never do to have her middle son sent to somewhere that didn’t have the best of everything for the degenerates that were within its walls. He hated it the moment his mother had driven through its gates – and he would continue to hate it – it simply would do him no good.

 

Nothing could help him. Not counselors, not group therapies – most certainly not having to detox for a week before he could even remember his own name again. All he wanted to do was pop some pills in his mouth and write bad poetry again while he watched Macee play with her Barbies in his living room.

 

Instead, he found himself being escorted to a room with a single bed – because _of_ _course_ Leia Organa’s misfit child could _never_ have a roommate – that would simply _never do_. Ben scoffed as he walked with his jailor to his prison cell, because he could hear Leia’s voice in his head. His head hurt like he had an aneurysm, and he was certain that every muscle ached like he had been Manny Pacquiao’s punching bag for fifteen or so rounds.

 

He hated being sober.

 

His jailor – otherwise called a _wellness manager_ , he had been told, was doing her best to be cheerful, and as they entered the room she threw the curtains open. “I always like having light in my room during the day – don’t you, Ben?” Her cheer was met by his scowling silence, his eyes narrowing as he willed her to leave him the fuck alone for five seconds.

 

“Where’s my stuff? Where’s the bracelet that I was wearing? Who the fuck took it? My daughter made that for me, and so help me God – I will fucking kill someone if it’s lost or damaged…” Ben said, anger simmering in his tone as he looked around the room slowly.

 

“Your bags are in the closet. We took your bracelet off when you were detoxing, it’s standard procedure, Ben. Go ahead and get unpacked. First group session is at 1:30.” The woman had dealt with plenty of recovering, grumpy addicts before, because she was clearly not intimidated by him – nor was she shocked by his reaction when he stalked to the closet and practically ripped off the door, turning towards her when he found his bags resting within. “Get the fuck out of my room.”

 

She did.

 

Ben tore through his bags, finding his most precious possession – an elastic cord with large pony beads in green and pink around it, sliding it on his wrist as he let a smile drift to his lips. He remembered the day Macee had made the bracelets – one for her and a matching one for him. ‘Look, Daddy, our favorite colors – pink and green!’ It had never left his wrist since the day Macee put it on him, and Ben was incensed that it had been taken off him without his permission. Tucked under the bracelet in his bag was a picture of the two of them. It had been taken at the circus six months ago – Macee had insisted on an elephant ride, and the picture showed her on the giant pachyderm, Ben riding behind her and holding his little girl to his chest – both of them with the biggest, cheesiest grins on their faces. Kissing the picture, Ben turned and tucked it into the corner of the large mirror above the dresser.

 

He hated this place already. He hated being sober. He hated not being able to see his daughter.

 

But most of all: Ben Solo hated himself.


	2. Let's Get Fucked Up And Die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Just say no" reaches a new level for Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my beautiful and talented Beta & moodboard artist, [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)\- I seriously couldn't do it without you!
> 
> Also, a huge thanks to my good, good friend and sounding board - [MizuPhoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MizuPhoenix)\- it is scary how similarly we think, girl. <3 If you haven't read her brilliant fic "Rumor Has It" - you need to. Like, right now!
> 
> And, to my enablers at the Den - YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! I love you all.

[](https://imgur.com/MpTqpoO)

**Let's get fucked up and die.**

**For the last time with feeling**

**we'll try not to smile**

**As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights**

**That still shock and surprise.**

**I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end**

**But I choose to abuse for the time being,**

**maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.**

**"L.G. Fuad (Let's Get Fucked Up And Die)"** **– Motion City Soundtrack**

 

Rey came to with the sound of the car’s horn echoing throughout the small compartment, a low groan leaving her lips as she looked to the side, only to see Mitaka, his eyes closed and a trickle of blood making its way from his temple to his chin.

 

For some reason, this was hilarious, and she started to laugh.

 

This had turned out to be one hell of a birthday celebration.

 

They had started out at the Millenium Falcon. It was Connix’s birthday, and Rey wanted to have a good time. She had been stressed at work, with a huge deadline looming that she had finally finished, so when Mitaka had told her they were all going bar hopping to celebrate Kay’s birthday, of course she had been all in! Drinking with friends was definitely better than drinking alone, after all, and it would mean the box of wine in her fridge would last her a day longer.

Drinking kept her calm, and kept her from missing Armitage when he was out of town on business – which was most of the time lately, it seemed. Her bed was awfully empty, and she was goddamn lonely. What else could she do but work and drink herself into oblivion? Sometimes, just to make things interesting, she would even take a few Xannies along with her nightcap. She always felt bad the next morning – but she would repeat the routine the next night.

 

Armie always brought her the best stuff. A line of coke before bed meant the most intense, amazing sex. Taking a handful of Molly’s with a bottle of wine meant they would both fall asleep tangled around each other, neither one remembering anything that happened the next morning. Yes, he always brought her the best stuff when he came home. She loved that about him.

 

Alcohol would always be her drug of choice though. She had taken her first drink at age 11, and she had drank pretty much every day since. She couldn’t remember which foster family she had been living with then – they all started to blur together over time – when her 15-year-old foster brother had gotten her drunk and then taken her virginity. Since then, she drank for any reason. To forget, to remember, to stop the pain, to dull everything… everything was an excuse to drink.

Rey honestly didn’t know how she managed to graduate from college with a Bachelor's degree in Journalism. She didn’t know how she had managed to survive until the age of 25 – but she had. She was a survivor, and as sure as the sun would come up in the morning, she would be alive to take another drink, to survive another day.

 

Looking over at Mitaka, Rey reached over, shaking her friend violently, trying to wake him up. He let out a strangled sounding snort, and Rey giggled at the sound. “Dolphie, c’mon! Wake up! We gotta go find a phone! And if I get caught driving again without a license, ‘m gonna go jail…”

 

The next time Rey woke up, it was in a hospital bed, with a policeman standing beside it.

….

 

“Miss Sands, this is not your first offense, but it is certainly your most serious,” the judge intoned, looking over his glasses at her two weeks after the accident. “Luckily, neither you nor your friend were seriously injured in the accident. I want to make this into something positive, Miss Sands. I have no less than twenty letters here, speaking of your character and intelligence when you are sober – and all of them say that, Miss Sands.  _ When you are sober.  _ Therefore, I am sentencing you to no less than twenty-eight days at Hanna City Recovery and Wellness Center. They have an excellent program for someone with your addictions there. I am also sentencing you to five days in jail, with time served, and a $5,000 fine. Consequently, Miss Sands, you will not be able to have a driver’s license for seven years. Good luck to you, Miss Sands, and I do not want to see you in my courtroom again, is that clear?”

 

Rey looked at her attorney in surprise before looking at the judge. “Yes, sir. Thank you.”

 

Somehow, this felt like a life sentence instead of twenty-eight days.

….

 

Rey sighed as her attorney pulled through the gates of the rehab facility. They hadn’t allowed Armitage to bring her, of course. Heaven forbid her boyfriend – or whatever he was, they had never really defined their relationship – would be able to drive her to rehab, so that they could spend five minutes alone together.

 

Her bags were taken from the trunk of the car by a muscular-looking orderly, and Rey felt like she was in jail all over again. She had done her best to hide a packet of Xannie’s in her suitcase, hoping that somehow it would get through the inspection of the people at rehab. If she could have figured out how to hide a bottle of wine, she would have.

 

She already knew she was going to hate this.

….

It was when Macee spilled her drink on the woman that Ben Solo fell in love again.

 

The precocious brunette whirlwind he was lucky enough to call his daughter had a cup full of juice, and had been running through the visitor lounge, laughing as Ben chased her. Leia had brought her for a visit, and Ben cherished being able to see his little Princess. It was the highlight of his week.

 

Seeing Leia, of course, was always… stressful. Ben knew his mother loved him the only ways she knew how, but he could always see the disappointment in her eyes. While his brothers and sister were all successful and thriving, he was the black mark of the Solo family. Divorced, unemployed… and an addict.

 

Still, seeing his little Princess made everything better, and as Ben chased her, Macee turned to look at him, not watching where she was running.  At the same time, the facility director opened the door to usher a very haggard-looking Rey through after a two hour intake meeting, and the tiny, dark haired three year old ran headlong into her, falling back onto her butt and bursting into tears, her juice spilled all over the front of Rey’s shirt.

 

Ben froze, his eyes on Rey as he took in the sight of her. She was beautiful, with hazel eyes that he knew he would enjoy looking into for hours, and a smattering of freckles over her tan skin. He wanted to kiss every single one, and he hoped someday she would allow him to do just that. She looked tired and sad, and Ben would do anything to make her smile, to take the sadness out of her gaze.

 

“DADDY!!” Macee screamed, and Ben’s eyes finally went to his daughter, spurring him to go to her and pluck her off the floor and into his arms. 

 

“I am so sorry,” Ben said softly, his eyes going to Rey’s. “I’ll, you know, pay for a new shirt, or to have it dry cleaned. I’m sorry. I’m Ben by the way.”

 

“I’m Rey, and it’s okay about the shirt. I just want to go to sleep,” Rey looked at the director, and the woman nodded at her.

 

“Of course. Follow me.”

 

Ben watched her walk away, and hoped it wouldn’t be the last time he saw her.

 

….

 

The next time he saw her was four days later. Things were very structured in the facility, and that meant that most days were spent in therapy sessions. When you weren’t in a session, you were in the dining hall eating, out in the stables working with the horses, or by yourself with your own thoughts. Ben tried to avoid that though. The last place he wanted to be was in his own head. His own head liked to remind him what a colossal fuck-up he was on every level – it was best to not listen to those voices.

 

He liked taking care of the horses, or riding them around the arena, or along the trails on the facility’s property. He was brushing out his favorite horse – a tan mare named Sweetie, when he heard light footsteps approaching. Looking up, he saw Rey watching him, and he let a small smile drift onto his face.

“Hey,” Ben said softly. “You like horses?”

“Oh,” Rey said, her eyes drifting between Ben and the horse, “Um, I’ve never been around them. I, um…” Her eyes went to the ground, and she shrugged. “I’m drunk. I got lost,” she said after a moment. Letting out a small hiccup, Rey looked up at him a moment later, and for the first time, Ben saw the familiar look in her eyes – a look that he used to have in his own eyes after a night of over-indulging. “Y-you won’t tell, will you? I mean… I-I could go back to jail. I don’t want to go back to jail.”

“Oh, um…” Ben looked around, running a hand through his hair. He knew he wouldn’t tell anyone, if only because it was her. “I won’t tell anyone. But, you know, how did you get the stuff in here? I mean, they searched all my stuff when I was in detox.” If he was being truthful, Ben really wanted some weed. He found it helped calm his mind like nothing else – and if Rey had a way to get stuff into the facility, well, maybe she could get some for him.

Rey smiled at him before remarking, “I have my ways,” following up her words with a wink. “Do you know of any blind spots in the cameras around here? I, um,” she put a hand into one pocket of her jeans, sliding out a corner of a baggie with weed in it just far enough for Ben to see, “I thought maybe we could smoke a joint. You look like you need something to take the edge off, you know? So, what are you in for?”

Rey looked him over as she waited for his answer.

Ben looked around for a moment before going back to brushing the mare. “I’m a drug addict, of course. Weed, percs, booze. I threw a block of concrete through the window of my job.” Ben shrugged. “They didn’t appreciate it much. How about you?” Ben looked up at her as he continued the brush strokes, patting the mare’s head softly with his other hand.

Rey smiled at him, making his heart stutter for a moment in his chest. “I’m a drunk. Crashed my car into a tree, my friend got hurt bad. I did some time in jail and then they sent me here to clean up.” Rey shrugged, taking a step closer as she watched Ben for a moment before reaching out, her tiny hand plucking at the bracelet on his wrist. “What’s up with the pony beads?” One of her brows rose questioningly as she asked.

“Oh, um, my daughter made that for me – the gorgeous little ball of energy that spilled her juice all over you the first day you were here?” Ben replied, his face coloring slightly at the awkwardness of their first meeting.

“Yeah, I remember,” Rey said, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. “So, which room are you in? I’m in 15, and my roommate cries constantly. I guess her husband served her with divorce papers or something. I’m just looking to hang out with someone as much as possible, so I don’t have to listen to it. I know that sounds mean, but I can only take so much – you know?”

Ben nodded, licking his suddenly dry lips before responding, “I, um, I’m in the room next to yours. 14. I… I was kinda hoping we would get to talk. I didn’t realize you were right next door though. Did you just get out of detox?”

Rey nodded and then grinned. “Yep, and here I am, drunk already. I’m a better addict than I am sober. So, you got a girlfriend? A wife?” She watched as something crossed Ben’s face, his dark eyes glittering with something familiar to her – a deep, dark pain he tried to keep well-hidden from the world.

“No,” he replied. “You?” Now his eyes looked hopeful.

“It’s… complicated,” Rey replied after a moment’s thought. “Armie is… busy. He’s a businessman. When he’s in town, we’re together. When he’s not… who knows what he does? So, anyways, do you wanna smoke a joint with me if we can find a place?”

Ben thought about it a moment, biting his bottom lip softly. “I might know of a spot. We’d have to be quick though, because the security guards go by every twenty minutes or so. I go there to write sometimes – no one else knows about it.” He had been so happy to find a private little spot just off the walking path. He liked his solitude, especially when he was trying to write – and he wanted to show it to Rey. Glancing at his watch, Ben looked around for a moment before looking back at Rey. “Come on, follow me.”

 

Ben’s eyes were moving constantly as he guided Rey to the small copse of trees towards the back of the facility’s property. The branches were heavy, reaching to the ground and providing a natural fort of sorts. Ben enjoyed coming to his little haven whenever he wanted to write without worrying about having eyes on him constantly.

 

Moving aside one of the branches, Ben waited until Rey had ducked inside before stepping in himself, bending at the waist so he didn’t hit his head. Sometimes it really sucked being so tall, and as Ben settled cross-legged into his normal spot, he looked at Rey and smiled. She was looking around with a look of wonder in her eyes.

“This place is so awesome,” she said softly as she settled onto the ground across from him. As she pulled the baggie of weed from her pocket and started to roll a joint, Ben licked his lips nervously. Pulling his notebook and pen from his back pocket, he tried to focus on writing something – anything – so he wouldn’t think about taking a drag off the joint that Rey was now lighting up.

“You want a hit, Ben?” Rey asked softly after she had taken a long drag, her hazel eyes meeting his across the small space between them. The sweet, familiar smell drifted to his nose, and Ben closed his eyes for a moment, biting his bottom lip to keep from telling her yes. He gripped the bracelet Macee had made him with long fingers, snapping it gently against his wrist to remind him of Leia’s words to him –  _ You will get better for Macee, or I will take custody of her. She needs her Daddy. _ Keeping his eyes closed, Ben shook his head before saying softly, “No thanks. You go ahead.”

“Sure,” Rey said, taking another hit as she watched Ben struggling with his inner demons. Shit, she had demons too – at least Ben was trying to face his instead of shoving them so far inside they would never see the light of day – which was her way of coping. He was actually really amazing-looking, with soft, wavy hair that fell onto his forehead, these expressive, sad brown eyes, soft, full lips and this long nose that somehow looked perfect on his face. Compared to Hux, he was like a Greek God.

Ben finally opened his eyes to find Rey watching him quietly, and he felt his face flush as he gave her a small smile before focusing on his notebook. Generally, the words came fairly easy for him in this spot, but today they were being difficult for some reason. Perhaps it was because he wanted to focus on Rey instead of words that would have no meaning to anyone but him.

They sat in silence for a while, Rey finishing the joint off and Ben pretending to be engrossed in his writing – when in actuality he was just watching her – until Rey cleared her throat and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. “So, what are you writing?” Her eyes were filled with genuine curiosity, so Ben flipped through his notebook for a moment, finding something that he wouldn’t mind sharing.

“I, um… I kinda write whatever comes to mind. I have a Master’s Degree in English, and a minor in Philosophy… I guess this is what you do when you don’t want to teach.” Ben shrugged, before clearing his throat, looking at Rey for a moment before he read from the page he had selected. “The stars glisten softly on her skin, the dust of their dying embrace on her lips. A million stars a-glitter above, wish I could pick one to adore her hair…”

A pregnant silence hung in the air for a few moments, Rey’s eyes meeting his the whole duration before she reached out with one hand, placing it on his arm. “That is beautiful, Ben. You have a talent with words. I have a degree in journalism, and I could never write something as beautiful as that, truly.”

Ben licked his lips before responding finally, “Thanks.” Glancing down at his watch, Ben realized that afternoon group sessions would be starting soon. “Hey, we should get back. If we don’t show up for groups, they will come looking. I really don’t want them finding this spot.”

“Me neither. Is it okay if I come here again? I mean, if you’re too busy and I, you know…” Rey let her words trail off, her hand still on Ben’s arm. He felt so solid, so strong underneath her hand, his pulse beating strong and firm under her fingertips. Rey squeezed his arm gently, smiling up at him.

“Yeah, of course, Rey,” Ben replied, her light squeeze on his arm making his heart thud away in his chest. Standing, Ben tucked his notebook and pen back into his back pocket before offering a hand to Rey to help her stand.

It felt so good to have her hand in his. Her hand was tiny, but it somehow fit perfectly into his, even for the brief amount of time it took for her to stand. She smiled up at him, tucking her arm around his as she intoned, “Lead the way, my Poet Laureate! Let’s go not talk about our feelings….”

…

 

Ben had been asleep for a couple hours when he was awakened by a light knocking on his door. Getting out of bed, he rubbed a palm over his eyes to try and clear the sleep from them as he padded to the door. Opening it, he let out a light ‘ _ oof’ _ of surprise as someone stumbled into his chest – a light hiccup and giggle announcing their presence.

Ben closed the door quickly, Rey’s hazel eyes gazing into his before she threw her arms around his neck. “Ben – she’s doing it again, and I can’t handle the incessant crying. I mean, I know she’s heartbroken, but fuck – can’t they give her a sleeping pill or something? Mmm, you smell good…” Rey buried her nose in his chest, and Ben’s heart stopped beating for a moment before it started again, thudding away triple time in his chest as his arms went around Rey.

“Hey Rey,” Ben mumbled as he inhaled her scent as well. She smelled like sunshine and spices – and alcohol. With a sigh, Ben closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her folded into his arms. It’d been a while since he had any woman he cared about in his arms – drunken one-time fucks at parties didn’t count.

 

“Hey Ben,” Rey said softly, practically melting into his arms. He was so damn strong, and she felt content and safe with him. No one had ever made her feel like that before. “Can I, maybe, stay here with you? I, I can’t handle it, Ben, and I can’t sleep with her crying.” Rey pulled her face away from his chest to look into his eyes, and Ben knew he was a goner. His heart was hers if she wanted it.

Swallowing hard, Ben nodded. “Sure, which side of the bed do you want? I can even sleep above the covers, if you want.” Ben gazed into her eyes, memorizing all her features. He wanted to kiss every single freckle on her face – on her body. He wanted to  _ worship _ this woman, to show her that she didn’t need to be drunk or high to feel good.

Rey bit her bottom lip before saying softly, “I was, well, I was hoping I could sleep wrapped up around you, Ben. You… you make me feel safe. I’ve never really felt like that before.” Standing on her tiptoes now, Rey ran one hand up his neck into his hair, pulling his face down to hers, their lips coming together – softly at first, then with growing intensity. Her second hand trailed down his back before finding its way under the hem of his shirt, her cool hand on his bare skin sending all Ben’s nerve endings into overdrive.

Rey ran her tongue over his bottom lip before drawing it into her mouth, her teeth skimming over it before seeking his own tongue out, tangling with it as she tried to mold her body more into his, her body now aflame with desire. She moaned into their kiss, her hand on his back now coming around to his chest, the hand in his hair tugging slightly at the silky locks.

Ben was so lost in their kiss, so lost in Rey, that he honestly didn’t know at what point they came to be on his bed, a jumble of limbs and heat, Rey’s body so warm and willing as she helped him remove his shirt.

“Jesus, Ben, you are so fucking sexy,” Rey’s voice was a sultry purr as she took in his naked chest, her hands exploring  his chest for a moment before her hands caught his, placing them on her breasts as she looked down into his eyes. “I want you to touch me, Ben. I want you to touch me everywhere.” Reaching down, Rey pulled her sleep shirt over her head, revealing her perfect skin, her nipples already flush and swollen with desire. Ben took a moment to take it in, his hands moving to their previous position on her breasts, his breath hitching in his throat at the feeling of her sun-kissed skin under his.

He almost pouted as she left the bed for a moment, her pajama pants joining the shirt on the floor before she stood beside the bed, her head tilted to one side as she smirked at him. “You, my glorious Greek God looking Poet, have far too many clothes on. I want to touch you, Ben… let me help you take those pants off.”

 

Ben felt his cock twitch painfully, and he sucked a breath in as Rey crawled onto the bed now, her small, cool hands gripping the waistband of his pajama pants as she pulled them down, a small gasp leaving her lips as his cock sprung to life. His pants joined the rest of the clothes on the floor, and Rey didn’t waste any time, her tiny fingers curling around his thickness and starting to pump slowly. Ben hissed in a breath, his hips jumping as she worked his length.

Then, as she slid closer to him, her lips kissing and licking his chest, Ben’s brain finally snapped back to reality. Rey was drunk.

_ Fuck. _

“Rey,” Ben said softly, her name met with a low moan from her, “Rey… stop. We need to stop.”

Hazel eyes came up to met his as her hand stilled on his cock, her voice small and sad as she asked, “W-Why, Ben? Y-you don’t want me? You don’t want to fuck me?”

“No, sweetheart,” Ben traced the contour of her cheek with his thumb before he sat up, retrieving his clothes from the floor and dressing quickly before he handed Rey her clothes. Her eyes were filled with tears now, and after she dressed, Ben lay down on his bed, motioning for her to join him. Once she was settled in his arms, her head on his chest, Ben said softly, “It’s not that I don’t want you, Rey. Jesus, I want you so bad it hurts. But I don’t just want to fuck you. I want to make love to you – there’s a difference. And when I do make love to you, we’ll both be sober, and it will mean something to us both.”

Ben played with her hair softly, planting a kiss to the top of her head. “You are so beautiful, Rey. A man would be stupid to only want to fuck you. I want to  _ worship _ every inch of you and make love to you for hours.”

Rey sniffled, burying her face in Ben’s chest for a moment. “I… I don’t think I have ever been made love to. Every time has been so quick… and I’m lucky if I get off… but normally… I mean, every time I have ever had sex I’ve been high, or drunk. Ben… I meant what I said earlier. I feel safe with you.” Rey yawned, her hand going under his shirt to touch the skin of his chest. She planted a soft kiss to his neck before murmuring, “Thank you, Ben.”

“No, thank you, Rey. Normally… I feel alone, no matter where I am. In a crowded room, with people I have known my entire life, I feel alone….” Ben let his thoughts trail off, nuzzling the top of her head with his nose and pulling her closer.

Rey yawned again before saying sleepily, “Ben, you’re not alone.” She nuzzled his neck softly, her breathing evening out as she fell asleep.

“Neither are you,” Ben said into the stillness of the night.


	3. It Had To Be You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finds her anchor in a willing Ben Solo - but can he help her overcome her addiction?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks as always to my amazing beta and moodboard Goddess - [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite)! I couldn't do it without her, and she's an amazing writer, as well. Check out her stuff!

 

 **Do you feel a certain sense of synergy between yourself and me?**  
**A kind of macabre and somber Wondertwin type of harmony**  
**What if it was you?**  
**You that I needed all along**  
**I felt like a fool,**  
**Kicking and screaming and pretending we were wrong**

**“It Had To Be You”-Motion City Soundtrack**

 

 

Ben wasn’t surprised when he woke up to find Rey already gone. He had slept better with her there than he ever had before, and he found he was in a fairly good mood for the first time in a long time.

 

 _In a good mood… sober… in fucking rehab. Truly, I have lost my fucking mind._ Ben’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door after his shower, and as he glanced through the small window, he let a smile drift across his lips.

 

After he tugged a shirt over his head, he opened the door to admit a tired-looking Rey, who immediately threw herself into his arms, sniffling. “Ben… I can’t do this. I can’t sit there and talk about my feelings with a stranger when I don’t even know what I am feeling half the time. Can we just stay here and talk for awhile?”

 

“Of course,” Ben replied, pulling away long enough to take her hand and lead her to the bed, where he laid down and pulled her close to him. When her head was resting on his chest like it had been last night, it felt like the whole world faded until it was only the two of them. Ben had never felt anything quite like it, not even with Macee’s mother.

 

Of course, experiencing _true_ feelings for someone without the haze of alcohol and drugs would make it different.

 

Rey snuggled closer, her head on his chest as she reached out with one shaky hand, fingering the pony bead bracelet on his wrist before she looked up at him and smiled. “So, your daughter? What’s her name again? I can’t just call her ‘that little girl who spilled juice on my shirt’ all the time.” Rey giggled, and it was the most precious thing he had ever heard besides his daughter’s laugh.

 

“Macee Mae. She’s four, and she… she’s my world.” Ben smiled down at Rey, reaching out with one hand to trace the smattering of freckles on her cheek softly. “She’s the only thing that keeps me going, really. I want to be a better man for her. She needs her Daddy.” Ben next traced the outline of Rey’s lips with one long finger, letting out a sigh of contentment.

 

He shouldn’t be so attached to her so quickly. He could almost hear his mother in his brain, telling him that this would only end in disaster for him.

 

It was a good thing he didn’t give a shit about listening to Leia – at least not where Rey was concerned.

 

“Where’s her mom? Are y-you… m-married or something?” Rey started to panic internally at the thought. Here she was, in rehab, with a boyfriend – or at least a _lover_ – waiting for her when she got out, and she was worried about whether Ben had someone waiting for him?

 

Maybe it was because Ben was different than anyone she had ever met. The way he looked at her – like she was the most important thing in his Universe – it made her knees turn to jelly, and when he looked into her eyes, she felt like she had found her home within them.

 

Ben shook his head, a sad expression coming across his face now. “No, I’m divorced. Marleigh – she’s an addict. The only time she wasn’t using was the nine months she was pregnant with Mace. She just decided one day while I was at work that being a mom was too hard, and she just walked out. Left our eight-month-old little girl sleeping in her crib and left.” Ben shrugged, trying not to think about his ex-wife. Macee and him were better off without Marleigh around. She hadn’t wanted to be a mother or a wife – but she liked Ben’s family and their money well enough.

 

“Wow – that’s horrid. I mean…” Rey licked her lips before looking up at Ben, and he couldn’t help but notice the way her hazel eyes had flecks of green and amber in them. “My parents, they… abandoned me. They left me in my pram in front of a police station.” Rey tried not to think about it, tried to say she didn’t care – but she had felt alone her entire life. Unwanted, abandoned, unloved. Her gaze was locked with Ben’s, and she knew she shouldn’t feel so safe, so connected, with someone she had just met. But Ben, the way he looked at her – like she was a priceless work of art to be treasured – it made her feel wanted and accepted.

 

“At least Macee has you. Not like me. No one has ever wanted me. I got bounced around from foster home to foster home, and I was never enough. I’ve never been enough. I’m used to it by now. Don’t ever let your daughter feel like that, Ben, promise me? She should always feel like she is loved and like she’s wanted.” Rey buried her face in Ben’s chest, sobbing as she let herself be consumed by feelings she normally kept locked away, deep inside where she could ignore their existence.

 

Ben didn’t say anything, and as she sobbed into his chest, he carded his fingers through her hair, his lips placing tiny kisses to the top of her head. His heart ached for her, and if he could take some of that pain away from her – he would have.

 

There wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for her, even though he knew he was falling too hard and too fast for her. It wasn’t healthy – Ben knew that, and he knew his therapist would agree. But he knew how she felt in his arms, like she was meant to be there.

 

He knew – in that moment – that he would always be there for her. He would help her get better, somehow.

 

Rey sobbed until she felt dry, like every tear in her body had been expelled, and she pulled away finally, wiping at her eyes and looking up at Ben. His eyes always took her breath away momentarily; she had never seen anyone whose eyes had such depth in them. She could easily lose herself in their honeyed depths, and she didn’t think she would mind one bit. “Thank you,” she whispered. “You make me feel so safe, Ben. I… I’ve never had someone like you in my life. I’ve always felt so alone and never safe.”

 

Ben held her face in between both his large, warm hands, his eyes meeting hers as he said softly, “I will always be here for you. I promise.” He let his lips drift onto hers, their kiss slower than the kisses from the night before. Where the kisses of the previous night had been frantic and needy, this kiss was slow and gentle, full of promises and feeling. “Let’s go get some breakfast, before they try to tell us we’re not talking about our feelings or breathing right.” Ben kept his lips hovering above hers as he pulled away enough to talk, knowing that he could easily stay in his room kissing her all day. His breath was shaky as he let out a laugh, and Rey gave him a small smile.

 

“I… I think I can make it through this all, because you’re here with me, Ben. If I was here alone – I’m not sure I could do it.” Rey looked at Ben, her forehead still against his, and as he tucked a piece of stray hair behind her ear, Rey had never felt so cared for.

 

“You’re strong, Rey. You don’t need drugs or alcohol to survive. You’re beautiful, intelligent and witty – and I am betting you are a good journalist, as well. You’re a survivor, like a phoenix rising from the ashes, over and over again. My phoenix. My firebird. I believe in you. Now come on, before we get told we can’t spend time with each other.” Ben brushed his lips against hers again, lifting his chin towards the door. “You leave first. Save me a spot at the breakfast table, okay?”

 

Rey nodded, giving him a watery smile before going to the door and glancing out before opening it and disappearing.

 

The rest of the day passed quickly, filled with group and individual therapy sessions. As Ben closed the door behind him when it was his turn to meet with his therapist, he noticed the man watching him closely as Ben took his normal seat.

 

“How are you doing, Ben?” The doctor asked, and Ben smiled as he gave his standard response to everything.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

Obviously, the doctor heard that many times before, because as he sat back in his chair, tapping his pen against his yellow legal pad before looking up at Ben again. “How was your visit with Macee?”

 

At the mention of his daughter, a natural smile came to Ben’s lips. “Great. I think she’s grown six inches in the week and a half I have been here.”

 

The doctor nodded, writing something down before once again looking up at Ben. “I’ve been told you’re making friends, as well. Participating in group and being helpful. That’s a good thing, Ben. I’ve also been told you spend a lot of time with Rey Sands – is that true?”

 

Ben nodded, already not liking where this was leading. The time he spent with Rey was private and sacred, almost. Not to be discussed with anyone else. “Yeah. We’re friends.”

 

“Making friends is important, Ben. Forming the wrong kind of friendship, though, or even forming _other_ relationships, is not recommended here. It could harm your progress.” The doctor looked up at Ben.

 

“Uh huh,” Ben said, nodding his head.

 

The doctor pressed his lips together into a fine line, and Ben knew he was screwed. He felt like he had to jump through hoops – because if he didn’t, he wouldn’t get to go home to Macee. “I like Rey just fine. She has a lot of issues to work out. She feels like she can talk to me.”

 

The doctor nodded, scratching out more notes on his notepad before looking up at Ben once more. “You realize that you aren’t really in any position to help her, though, correct? You have yourself to work on. I know you want to be well enough to be a good father to Macee.”

 

Ben’s lower jaw worked in frustration as he listened to the doctor. “I know I have my own issues to work on, and I am. But if I can help someone else deal with their feelings as well, then I will. That’s just who I am, as a person. Should I just stop being me? Is that what you’re getting at here?”

 

The doctor shook his head. “No, Ben. I just want to make sure you don’t make her recovery into a project for you. You are also in recovery, and until you fix yourself, you can’t fix anyone else. Now – let’s talk about Marleigh. That is Macee’s mother, correct? Your ex-wife?”

 

Ben wished he could melt into the floor and disappear, and as he left the doctor’s office an hour later, he felt raw, like his soul had been scrubbed over and over again with steel wool until it lie flayed open inside him. With his eyes red-rimmed and swollen from the tears talking about his ex-wife always caused, Ben practically ran from the building to his safe haven – the small copse of trees he had shown Rey the day before.

 

He was so immersed in writing in his notebook that he didn’t even notice anyone approaching until Rey was ducking inside, her eyes seeking his immediately. “Ben? Are you okay? I… I looked for you at dinner, and when you didn’t show up I was worried.”

 

Ben’s breath hitched as he looked into Rey’s eyes, the worry he saw there was something he hadn’t seen in a very long time. He had always felt he was overlooked in his family, shoved aside by his parents for being the quiet, studious child when his siblings were all overachievers. But here was Rey, someone he had just met, and she was worried about him. _Him_. Ben Solo, overlooked and discarded.

 

He shrugged, a blush spreading over his face as her eyes surveyed his, not looking away as he was accustomed to. “I wanted to be alone. Bad therapy session.”

 

Rey settled into the spot that he now thought of as hers, just across the small space from him, and she nodded, watching him for a moment and worrying her bottom lip before she spoke again. “Do… do you want me to leave, then?”

 

Ben’s eyes moved from hers down to her lips, then the rest of her as he pondered whether he wanted to be truly alone or not. Rey was the one person who, it seemed, truly understood him, and so he shook his head. “No. You are the one person I want to be with right now.”

 

Rey’s eyes lit up, and she shuffled across the space between them, settling in between his legs and leaning back against him. “What were you writing?” Rey asked softly as Ben’s arms came around her, his notebook and pen resting in one hand, his other hand on her upper arm.

 

“Letters to Macee. I want her to be able to read them when she graduates high school, and on the day of her wedding.” Rey felt Ben shrug behind her, and her heart flooded with affection for him. He was the sweetest, kindest person she had ever met, and she felt an intense connection with him on some spiritual level. She hadn’t ever believed in fate or destiny – but she knew that she and Ben were meant to come into each other’s lives for some reason.

 

“That’s so sweet, Ben. She’s so lucky to have you.” Rey half-turned to look up at Ben, and as her eyes met his, she brought a hand up to his cheek, resting it there softly. “I’m lucky too. To have you.”

 

“You do, Rey. I…” Ben gulped, his eyes moving from her eyes to her lips briefly before he remembered to breathe again. “I…I will never not be here for you. No matter what shit I am going through, no matter what shit you are going through. You mean something to me, and… I feel insane and stupid for saying that to someone I just met… so I’ll shut up now.”

 

Rey turned fully now so she could look at him, her other hand now coming up to frame his face. “Don’t feel stupid. I feel it too. Like we were meant to meet. Like, now I have someone to get through this shitstorm of life with.” Her lips met his softly, and then with increasing pressure, her teeth biting down gently on his bottom lip as one of her hands moved from his cheek to his hair.

 

Ben had no self-control when Rey was kissing him like she was, and he lay her back gently, his body covering hers as they kissed. When he felt her hand cradling his hard length through his jeans, his brain jerked him back to reality from the kiss-induced haze it had been in.

 

He had made a promise to them both, and he would keep it.

 

He pulled away from Rey, panting, and sat up, running a hand through her hair as she watched him, her own breath coming in ragged pants. “I...I’m sorry, Rey. I promised you last night that when we finally had sex, it would be making love, and we would both be sober. I… I tend to lose myself when we’re kissing like that.”

 

Rey nodded, sitting up and straightening her clothes – trying to brush away the rejection she felt deep inside her. She had always been rejected, abandoned, unwanted – the feeling was nothing new to her. “I get it. It’s okay. I… I mean, you… you still want me, right?”

 

She knew she should have kept her mouth shut, especially when she saw the briefest shimmer of pain that came into Ben’s eyes. She didn’t like seeing that pain, and she wished she could wave a magic wand and take it all away.

 

“Shit, Rey… yes. Yes. I do. I… I’m trying to get better. I want to be better. For Macee. And… well, for you. If you want to see me again after we’re out of here. I mean, I know you have a boyfriend. Oh god. I… I need to go. I, I’m sorry.” Ben stood up, ducking so he wouldn’t bump his head on the branches of the tree as he made his way back to the muted sunlight outside their small hiding place.

 

Rey just sat there, feeling cold and empty as she watched in the direction where Ben had left.

“He’s not my boyfriend,” she muttered finally before standing and walking back to the main building.

….

Ben went to his room as soon as he entered the main building, deciding that he needed to be alone. His head was probably the worst place he could be, but with the thoughts residing there – he needed to just _think_ . As he stretched his legs out on his bed, he popped his earbuds in, the iPod that was his best friend playing the angsty voice of Justin Furstenfeld and Blue October singing _Hate Me_ as Ben thought about everything he was feeling.

He didn’t care what the therapist said. Ben knew he would always want to help Rey. To protect her and fuck her and be the anchor she needed in this world. What he felt for her was new and exciting, and close to all-consuming. He had only loved one woman in his life, and she had given him his daughter – but that was about all. His and Marleigh’s relationship had been a disaster from the beginning, and he wished he had the hindsight to go back and do it all over again with her. Now, all he could do was hope she got the help she needed.

The knock on his door woke him up, and as Ben looked at the clock with half-lidded eyes, Coldplay’s _Yellow_ now playing in his ears, Ben got up and went to the door, opening it to find a puffy-eyed, drunken Rey standing there.

“He’s not,” Rey said, her words slurring so badly Ben could hardly make them out.

 

“What? Who’s not what?” Ben mumbled in confusion, one hand reaching out to steady Rey as she stumbled into his room.

“My boyfriend. He’s not my boyfriend.” Rey somehow found her way to the bed, sliding her shoes off and climbing under the covers. “C’mon, I’m tired and you help me sleep.” Rey let out a giggle as she looked over to where Ben stood, trying to process the whirlwind that had just come into his room.

Finally, Ben turned and trudged back to the bed, settling himself into the mattress, only to find Rey snuggling her head up against his chest, an arm and a leg looped over him. She let out a contented sigh before asking, “Ben?”

“Yeah?” Ben played with her hair absentmindedly, content with her in his arms, even if she was intoxicated.

“I kinda want you to be,” Rey said softly, lifting her head slightly so that she could look up at him.

“Be what, firebird?” Ben asked, a bit confused by her drunken train of thought.

Rey yawned before snuggling closer to Ben, her breath a whisper against his neck as she answered him before her breath evened out as she fell asleep. “My boyfriend.”

“Me, too, my Phoenix. Me too.”

….

 

They fell into an easy routine. They would wake up in the morning after sleeping in each other’s arms all night, and Rey would always leave first, allowing Ben to shower and ready himself for the day. He would meet her for breakfast, and then they would spend until lunchtime in various groups and therapy sessions. They would eat lunch together outside, most of the time, and then spend the afternoon with the horses, brushing and riding them until they could sneak away for a few moments to their private area in the trees.

 

Night time was always Ben’s favorite time of the day, though. Rey would always show up at his door soon after everyone was supposed to be in their rooms for the night. She was always drunk, and Ben wondered where her seemingly endless supply of alcohol was coming from. They would lie together in his bed, her head on his chest, and he would whisper promises in her ear until she fell asleep.

 

He loved her. Ben was certain of that. When Rey was in his arms, he felt more content and accepted then he ever had. He could picture a future with her, picture her being a part of his and Macee’s life. She just had to get sober first.

 

He wasn’t ready to have that conversation with her yet, though. He still had two weeks to go, and she had two and a half weeks left in her own program – unless she got caught using. If that happened, Ben would have to wait longer to finally be with her once she was out of treatment – and he was already having a hard time keeping his hands off her.

 

Kissing was glorious – but they both wanted more, and it was sweet, sweet torture.

 

Ben sighed, and Rey stirred beside him, pulling herself closer to him in her sleep. Tomorrow was Sunday, which meant he would get to see Macee again. Last week, she had enthusiastically declared that she was bringing them both unicorn Slurpees to enjoy. Ben wasn’t entirely certain what a unicorn Slurpee would consist of – but there was nothing he wouldn’t do to make his little princess smile. If he had to endure drinking a nasty-tasting Slurpee for his Macee Mae, he would.

 

Ben planted a kiss to Rey’s head, letting out a sigh before closing his eyes and letting himself slip into sleep.

 

….

 

As usual, Rey was up before him the next morning, and before she slipped out the door she kissed him gently, biting her bottom lip and eyeing him nervously as he opened his eyes sleepily.

 

“I… Ben, I’m sorry,” Rey’s words came out in a rush, and he could tell she was stressed by the way she was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. “Armie’s coming to visit today, and he… I… I… he still thinks he and I… you know.”

  
Ben’s heart sank as he watched Rey turn and slip out the door, and all he could think to himself was _there goes my heart_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave comments and kudos, and mash that subscribe button if you like what you see! <3
> 
> Come visit me on tumblr:[my-jedi-life](https://my-jedi-life.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And on the twitter: [MyJediLife](https://twitter.com/MyJediLife)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks as usual to my wonderful Beta and Moodboard maker - [Azuwrite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Azuwrite) for her mad skillz and assuring me I don't suck.
> 
> Please leave comments or kudos, and mash that subscribe button if you like my ramblings! I like getting the feedback!


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